For many people navigating the world of online dating and hookups, especially within apps like Grindr, encountering new terminology can be confusing. One term that has gained attention in recent years is the word “side.” If you’ve seen someone label themselves as a “side” on Grindr but weren’t quite sure what it meant, you’re not alone. This article is here to break down what being a side means, how it fits into the broader gay sexual identity spectrum, and why it’s important for creating a more inclusive and respectful digital dating environment.
TL;DR
On Grindr, the term “side” refers to a man who is not interested in anal sex, which is traditionally seen as the center of gay sexual activity. Unlike tops, bottoms, or vers (versatile), sides find intimacy through other forms of sexual or romantic engagement like oral sex, mutual masturbation, or physical affection. Using the label “side” helps people more accurately express their preferences, removing pressure and stigma from not engaging in anal sex. This identity promotes diversity, consent, and better communication in queer dating spaces.
Understanding the “Top,” “Bottom,” “Vers” – and Now, “Side”
The terminology used on apps like Grindr often revolves around preferred sexual roles, typically classified as:
- Top: Someone who penetrates during anal sex.
- Bottom: Someone who is penetrated during anal sex.
- Vers: Short for versatile; someone who is open to both topping and bottoming.
However, many men do not find these labels applicable to them because they don’t enjoy or desire anal sex at all. That’s where the term “side” comes in. It adds nuance to a conversation that has long been viewed in binary or limited terms.
What Does “Side” Mean?
The term “side” was first popularized by sex advice columnist Dan Savage and others around the early 2010s. A “side” is someone—typically a gay or bi man—who prefers sexual and romantic activity that does not involve anal sex. This can include:
- Oral sex
- Mutual masturbation
- Kissing and physical intimacy
- Using toys or hands
- Engaging in sensual touch and connection
This label allows users on Grindr and similar platforms to define themselves authentically, staying true to their desires while also being transparent with others.
Why Does the Term Matter?
The introduction of “side” into common usage has more than linguistic significance. It brings about cultural and social shifts within queer communities:
- Inclusivity: Recognizes a valid and often ignored preference that doesn’t center around anal sex.
- Authenticity: Promotes being honest about one’s desires and relationships to sex.
- Mental Health: Reduces feelings of shame, inadequacy, or brokenness among those who don’t align with traditional roles.
- Consent Culture: Reinforces a more nuanced understanding of pleasure and boundaries.
Many individuals felt alienated or pressured to play either the role of top, bottom, or vers even when it didn’t match their comfort level or desires. The term “side” gives them room to express themselves safely and confidently.
Debunking Misconceptions About Sides
There are several myths and misunderstandings that circulate about being a side. Let’s clear a few of them up:
- “Sides just don’t like sex.” – False. Sides enjoy sex, intimacy, and connection. They simply prefer acts other than anal sex.
- “It’s just a phase.” – Incorrect. Like any sexual preference, side identity can be fluid or permanent. For some, it’s just who they are.
- “Sides are just avoiding pain or difficulty.” – Not necessarily. Their preference isn’t about convenience—it’s about desire and comfort.
- “Being a side means you’re not really gay.” – Completely wrong. Gay identity is about attraction, not specific sex acts. Excluding sides from this identity is both unfair and inaccurate.
How to Communicate as a Side on Grindr
If you identify as a side and are using platforms like Grindr, communication is key. Here are tips for representing yourself accurately and having better connections:
- Be Honest in Your Profile: Use the term “side” openly, and briefly explain what that means.
- Set Clear Boundaries: Don’t be afraid to say what you are or are not into. You’re not obligated to participate in acts that don’t bring you joy or comfort.
- Educate When Needed: Many people still may not be familiar with the term. Take a moment to explain if you feel safe and up to it.
- Find Supportive Matches: Seek people who respect your identity and are open to the full spectrum of what intimacy can include.
Grindr and similar platforms give users the option to filter and self-label, making it easier than ever to connect with people who match your preferences.
The Bigger Picture: Reframing Gay Sexual Culture
The emergence and acceptance of terms like “side” push queer sexual discourse into a more inclusive and liberated space. For too long, gay male sexuality has been narrowly defined by penetrative sex, especially anal intercourse. This not only excludes people who don’t enjoy anal sex, but can also reinforce unhealthy pressures and unrealistic norms.
Recognizing sides as part of the sexual identity landscape means:
- Everyone gets to define what pleasure means to them
- Diverse expressions of gay sexuality are valued
- Dating becomes more about compatibility than conformity
By embracing identities like sides, our understanding and celebration of intimacy becomes richer and more human-centered.
How the Grindr Community Is Responding
Though the term isn’t yet officially listed in Grindr’s identity settings as prominently as “top” or “vers”, it’s increasingly being included in bios and discussions. The community is gradually warming to the idea that desirability shouldn’t hinge on performing acts you’re not comfortable with.
Forums, Reddit discussions, and other dating apps are also catching on, demonstrating a desire for a more nuanced and welcoming space across the board. Over time, it’s likely the label “side” will be more formally adopted and given equal status among the other established identifiers.
Conclusion: Celebrating Diversity in Desire
So, what does “side” mean on Grindr? It’s more than just a term—it’s a liberated, honest way to express one’s preferences without stigma or pressure. In embracing non-penetrative forms of intimacy, sides challenge mainstream assumptions and build a more inclusive sexual landscape. Whether you’re a side or just learning about the term, awareness creates opportunity for deeper connection, better consent, and more satisfying relationships.
Understanding and respecting the side identity not only benefits those who claim it, but broadens acceptance for everyone navigating queer love and sexuality.